Are you one of those people who like to wash their socks in pairs, so that it’s easier to pair them up after they’re dried? Well, I am. I put socks away rolled up in pairs. It makes it so much simpler in the mornings to grab a pair from the drawer, rather than having to dig through and sort them out. But, are you one of those, like myself, who frequently finds that a pair goes into the washing machine and comes out as a single? I swear the washing machine, or maybe it’s the dryer, eats up one of each pair of socks.

I wonder if airports have washing machines at the end of the conveyor belt that hauls luggage through. It’s the only logical explanation for the millions of suitcases that go missing every year. Now, I may have lost a lot of socks, but I have yet to lose a suitcase. Oh, yes, we’ve had issues with our luggage being sent separately from ourselves, but we’ve always been reunited. Those were just cases of, dare I say it, incompetency on the part of staff at the airport. Surely, incompetency alone cannot account for the millions of bags that become irretrievable. So, I say, those bags must have been chewed up by the washing machines.

It would also explain why airlines pay such measly compensation for these lost articles. “I’m sorry, ma’am, the machine ate it. I swear I didn’t steal it.” No, the luggage could not have been stolen. After all, airline staff are all respectable, trustworthy beings. Besides, what would they want with your suitcase? You don’t have any valuables that might make their way onto eBay, do you?

Oh, yes. You’re probably thinking to disprove my theory of the washing machine by pointing out that that amount of luggage would surely clog the machine up. Well, don’t you know? When the machine eats it up, it vanishes into thin air. That’s why we’ve never recovered a lost sock, even after we dismantled the machine.